new friends? yes, please.

When I think about all of that I can see why I’m not the girl with the big friend group. During the time where everyone was building friendships, having fun in college, I was being a mother.

My phrase of the year “nobody turned 33 like me”

The second that clock hit midnight something changed with me. I started to take stock of everything in my life and truly became sick of my own shit. I grew tired of carrying on the same way because it truly wasn’t making me better. Toward the end of last year I had a friend breakup with someone very close to me. This breakup made me reflect on my relationship with community and how I show up. Am I a good friend? Am I good at picking friends? I’m so good at isolating but also aware enough to know I crave community. Let me take you back to 18, when I had my daughter and really focused on being a mother. I remember staying in the room with her with no plans of leaving the house. I was called pathetic for not wanting to leave home but also given a lecture about my choice to have a child so I don’t get to experience the normal social life of a teenager. I was so hard on myself and most of the people around me got on that page with me. Punishing myself for my choice and that’s probably the reason why I have a fear around having another. That’s another story for a different day and therapy started to help me unpack that.

When I think about all of that I can see why I’m not the girl with the big friend group. During the time where everyone was building friendships, having fun in college, I was being a mother. My connection to community started to change and I didn’t prioritize that. I was trying to prove to everyone around me that I was a good mom. Being a teen mom gave people permission to look down on me and say anything mean to me. All that emotional weight was so heavy and I see why I didn’t think about community a lot. My focus went from motherhood, building a photography business while working a 9-5 and full-time student. The juggling act made that last on the list for me. I of course made friends along the way but they weren’t really a priority. I showed up when I could and put up no fight when I would lose a friend.

This was a heavy reflection for me but felt really good. Friend breakups happen and it’s important you take them as lessons. I’m happy to be in a space where I gently criticize myself and make those changes. I want community. I may never be the girl with the large friend group. I set an intention for the new year to make friends that feel aligned. I set an intention to pour into the amazing women that are already in my life. Take those steps to being a better community for the people in my life and welcome that new energy.

I am currently making these beautiful changes. I had a cafe date + have a dinner reservation next week.

I will keep showing up and getting out my own way.